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Time passes by..

Out of sight out of mind really does work.
I completely forgot i had this journal of thoughts, fears, hopes and woes.

This year is once again nearly over,
The time has passed so quickly and i am no long further forward..
Each day is the same, but certain acts change, G is replaced by work and work is replaced by sleep.
Sitting here alone has left me with time to reflect.
T and i are good, but unfortunately its only when he is out of sight do i realise how much i miss his being.
There is magic - no matter what bad has happened we are still soul mates.
The further our lives develop the further i believe he is the one for me, my buddy, my companion, my love.
What we are in this life together has not yet materialised for the rest of our life - as far as i can see that neither of our lives are conventional.

At the moment i am in two minds of what to do;
I want the further best for my little family, but does that demand me to put on hold my life? At the moment it seems the best option as it is not for a prolonged period. 8 months? and what would that result in? 10K in my pocket.
And what would the result in? holidays, fine food, good clothes, gym?

Or i could stick it out here and continuely fight with my landlord, live on the breadline but have my own freedom?

I need to really think about my life, im 22 its time to kick my arse into gear.

Start of realisation?

Christmas went well, as did new year.
I started the way i felt at the time was how i wanted to go on - being ravaged by a man, in a good sense.
But as of late, no im not that interested in just casual fucks it would seem.
I want there to be a deeper meaning behind it.

Since buying my new car and getting back on the road again - and enevitably thinking again, ive come to realise, im 21. in my prime. why should i just jump from one person to the next to become just another figure on someone's list?? - if i want more i should be able to get it.
Sexually i know i can easily, but thats not it, i need the mental stimulation too and lately ive found a lot of people to be a bore.

Yet in saying all that i have found a good friend in someone new and someone who's helped me through some of the prior shit ive been through. The someone new is very new, and making me giddy with excitment, albeit he is a fair distance away, but maybe that's what i need?


Maybe its the time of year, i'm not entirely sure but i've started to reflect on this last year and have become very sad.
I lost the love of my life, i think that is definitely a huge factor and now that he's back in my life again i guess im just worried i'll loose him. When i say back in my life, i mean as little and as distant as possible. He has someone else, I'm still in love with him and finding it hard to let go.
I guess when i started this journal it was a very much out of sight out of mind thing towards him. Yet now, everything reminds me of him, Or i notice things i think he'd really appreciate and i cant share my being with him.
It even feels like it did when he first left me.
I cry alot and find it difficult to raise out son sometimes as when i look into my beautiful son's face i see his father. and i do, i do miss him. but then thats just time. its a great healer.

Im trying to carry on and get through this rough patch again, as i managed once before when it initially happened.
Ive been with a few men, a couple of girls and even two couples. and nothing. none of it has satisfied me to the extent he has. not just physically but emotionally as well.
even my friends, the company is good. there's no denying that, as i wouldnt be friends with them otherwise. its just not the same.
he's left a huge void in me, that ive tried to fill with other things to no avail.

Overall i am just starting to become so tired and run down.
I thought i had my life going okay.
Is it the rule of threes?

Dec. 7th, 2008

It happened again.

I decided it would be ok to let T back in to G's and my life.
Isnt every son in right of having his father involved in his up bringing?

So last week things were fine until last weekend, T called me to say he was ill - food poisoning. I picked him up and let him stay, i nursed him until he felt okay again.
We spent some time the following week together with G and on our own.
First i had arrangements made to see T after work to pick up Xmas stuff and to let him see G. Then he proceeded to shoot me down and tell me he was spending the night with his new girl who is barely legal L.
I have to admit it has pissed me off, his response was that we were no longer together therefore i shouldnt expect him to want to see me so often albeit the previous evening he was telling me very intimate thoughts of what he fears and how he doesnt know he will cope ok when i decide i do not care for him as much any more.
Then this weekend i needed him, i needed his friendship and advice. when i called to speak he promptly told me he was too busy with L to see to me.
It upset me alot- and now apparently im the controlling immature little bitch. No, i needed a favour in retun for what ive done already. He couldnt even give me that. i was not to expect anything in return for helping him. was near his exact words.
Since he has been rubbing it in my face that L take priority over me.
T is someone i would do anything for.
As each time i do its because he manipulates me into it by feeding me exactly what i want to hear. then when i want to see him and it doesnt suit im made to feel worthless.

The good old in and out.

Finally i have alot to update with the sex part.
-I've had a few meets from http://adultfriendfinder.com.
-Found two people since tom who satisfies me, but unfortunately not in the same way as he did.
-Made good friends with a couple who i try to see as reguarly as possible.
-Got plans in motion to fufill dp and my bukkake fantasy.
-Fucked the ex.
-Paid for that little of time?

Adultfrienfinder is a nice way to meet people. though ofcourse there are some twats out there. I love the attention and response i get on my profile page. I must be incredibly picky about who i choose to sleep with. As my profile has been viewed nearly 2000 times and i have definately not fucked that many!

Ive had a long think about why anyone i do choose to sleep with rarely satisfies me and i think it is down to cock size unfortunately and it is as simple as that. I was so used to having a big thick member from T, that every other bloke who's smaller than him just doesnt cut it. thankfully ive met two out of several men who has a bigger cock, closer to the size that i really enjoy. S and N. on is slightly more than just a fuck as we hang out too.

A couple ive been come good friends with, aswel as have some dirty times with too. Unlike some of the other couples i met we are able to meet up and do things other than just sex, which is a huge turn on due to being apart of a close nict group we can go out and tease one another until we get back to the bedroom. Dynamics with fucking couples i really like. as im the newbie, the bit of something different in their relationship.

I've decided i want to be fucked by as many blokes at one given time and then have them cum over me. Above mentioned N is a filthy git in the sack, so i instantly knew i had one that would be up for it - i then asked T if he would be up for it. suprisingly agreed. i think he has a turn on about having his ex fucked infront of him by another guy.. so two wheels set in motion.

Met the ex a couple of days ago. he saw his son and generally had a nice day out. come evening time he got slightly tipsy and high as we watched a movie together. felt a bit awkward at first lying in the bed that we used to share, where i know hes sleeping with his recent little girl... but then i began to become turned on by it, and i think he responded to me very well as invited me in for a cuddle. i made my point that i was very attracted to him still and the fact i would want more than just cuddles if i was to continue to lie curled into him and so forth it did. it felt amazing having his lips on my skin again, feeling his breath prickle my flesh as he bit and licked it, i was in seventh heaven. having his hands grab at my ass and run down to my pussy was amazing. my body responded to him so well : when i climbed on top and felt my pussy stretch around him as he pushed in i felt pure ecstasy surge through me and it didnt take long for me to explode.. personally i dont regret it - purely down to the fact my body is in sync with his, still.

Due the above, my ex told me about what his new chick is up to. and being the nosey cow that i am decided to go and have a look, http://www.adultwork.com/SexingsForJaffaCakes. not pretty.
thought if she was getting any kinda response i would get a hell of alot more. and made one too.
http://www.adultwork.com/sealiapeacock. it ludicrous that men are actually willing to pay a small fortune to just be in the company *nudge* *nudge* of a pretty girl...

call girl moi?


I forgot to post these with the last entry;
The first DNA related question

The DNA response

Body Combat

Where to start.
apologies my internet has been down.
Alot has happened in the past two weeks. My sons DNA results have came back. Positive.
So that is a great weight lifted as i knew deep down there was no reason to doubt.

So back to the weight loss.
Ive recently signed up to something called 'Body Combat' which is a mixture of martial arts, kick boxing and fighting choreographed to the latest dance music.
Each session lasts around 55 minutes and runs through 10 different sequences which are changed every three months.
When i first read about it i picked up a leaflet at the Ratho Climbing Centre. It stated that you needed a relative level of fitness... whoar! not half kidding. Thankfully i wasnt the unfitest person there!
A must have if going to these classes is a towel and a bottle of water.
After my first class i was pooped and ached a little.
But i think in co-junction with going swimming once a week and the fact that these classes are meant to be attended 2-3 times a week my body will deffinately benefit.

Already after attending two classes i feel my body has started to become leaner. i have less of a podge in the middle. and feel 100% less bloated!

Still on the capsules. and nearly finished it course.
so far the only good thing has been that they are an appetite suppressant!

right bed.
Another update is sure to follow.

No Heroics

 I thought before i went on i would reflect on my past trauma slightly; as i know with time the negative is forgotten and the good only remains.
I have to say its not completely 100% one sided, when i was hit i did hit back.
There has been various points that he has hurt me both physically and menatlly.
The most recent and i would say one that will last the rest of my life; we were standing in the kitchen aruging, and he decided he had enough of my nagging so shoved a fist full of food over my face and into my mouth remarking that 'i should enjoy it as im a fat bitch'. his eyes were ice cold. i silently let tears roll down my cheeks as i watched the food fall onto my clothes and the floor in front of me. how dare any one do that?
Even when i was pregnant he had pushed me down the stairs, that seemed to be his favourit tactict. so many times my head was hit against a wall, a door and the floor and the majority of the time that i did end up on the floor he would kick me in my back and punch my head. it even got to the point where he would tare at my flesh with his teeth.
The worst was once when a fight broke out it ended with his hands around my neck so tightly that i couldnt even speak but just gasp for as much air as possible, i vaguely remember hitting my head then coming to sobbing and feeling very sick and dizzy. He besotted on me after that.
But thats how it always went one day it would be ' i love you ' ' you mean more to me than anything ' and the next it would be a cold fist or some horrid verbal attack.
He would always blame me for instigating it, but many a time i would think to myself, why should he be let away with making me feel like i was nothing.
Despite it all, i cant get over him. Purely because i truely loved him. when he was nice, i thought he was perfect.
daylight to night life's too short.

Trial One : Wu-yi Tea and Stomach

 So after alot of research online, ive decided to start with the tea that seems to have the highest claims of weight loss. Wu-Yi Tea. I rummaged through various websites to try and find the cheapest and came across it for the equivalent of £25 on ebay from an american wholesaler. 
Now what i bought is capsules, not the actual tea leaf. i was bit apprehensive after i parted with my money, but luckily when the tub of capsules arrived they looked genuine. they even smelled how i expected them to be. thankfully looking at the ingredients on the back of the packaging there wasn't any hidden chemicals in there such that could be addictive.
I started as advised; two before i eat.
I noticed a slight buzz with the first two - though in all honesty im sure it was just due to being paranoid.
I've been taking them for about a week and believe i have started to loose weight. overall in myself i feel better, my tummy feels tighter but i still have a long way to go to reach my goal.

This week ive decided that i need to encourage myself back into exercise. Being a single parent of a now coming up for 2 year old i thought i was getting in enough already- though apparently not as ive not seen too much of a weight decrease to that activity alone.
update will continue.

Good morning world...

 .. this is a dawning of a new in visaera in my life.
I am just one person but this is dedicated to the hardship, cost and time and effort that is needed to be done to turn an okay fat person into a beautiful admired pin up.

So a low down of who i am;
My name is sealia, i have a son and recently have come out of one of the hardest relationships i think i will have ever have to face in my life.
It was abusive on both fronts. An unplanned pregnancy and mental torture.

Due to this relationship i believe i have the right to bring myself out of the ashes of such a destructive past into the beautiful god like creature i envisage in my mind.
Others have done it so why cant i?

Throughout this journal i will give a blow by blow account of my new life.
The sex, 
The food,
The trials and errors of diets, exercise and pills.

Its time to burn those bras that can fit a human head in each cup! and start to work for something a little less!



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